I am Hetalia crack, hear me roar
by theRandomscrolls
Summary: Charm is a beautiful orphaned girl who has to go to a meeting to meet the nations one day. What will happen? Will violent chaos ensue? Undoubtedly! (take nothing seriously for nothing is serious)


**If you've been in the fandom for a while then you're familiar with this type of fic, involving a neko desu~ Mary Sue breezing through the boys' lives leaving a trail of hearts and sugary sweet good intentions in her wake. I believe this type of crack is an art, especially if the author takes it seriously, so I decided to have a go at it. I have tried to squeeze as many of the annoying Hetalia fic quirks as possible. Please don't hold back in the reviews.**

**(I don't own Hetalia.)**

The sun was beautiful, as was the girl who walked under it. Her black platform boots with eight inch heels made a clicky-clacky noise like castanets on the pavement, so everyone she walked past who didn't stun themselves by walking into a lamppost or accidentally stray from the path into the road and become a traffic hazard believed there was a band of mariachis behind her warming up for a sizzling passionate salsa dance. Each person secretly hoped they would be picked as her partner when the invisible musicians finally burst into the song completely.

Every weed she walked by sparkled and became flowers. Wherever her long, swinging leopard tail touched the ground daisies sprang up in a bed of moss shaped like a smiley face with devil horns. She spread her angel wings and they caught the sunlight like a bunch of tiny magical crystals, reflecting it in every direction. Unfortunately every direction included the eyes of several drivers who could no longer see the road and crashed. Bumpers and windshield wipers flew into the sky. To the collective horror of everyone who was not watching the beautiful girl working the platform boots at the end of the street, an oil tanker came around the corner much too fast to stop in time. It ploughed into the other cars with a shriek of metal. A fireball bloomed into the sky, char-broiling the poor souls still trapped in their cars, three of the storefronts on the right and left side of the street, a lone brave lollipop man who had stood his ground against the oncoming vehicles and an overhead flock of pigeons. Roasted squab rained down from the heavens.

While the normal, ungraceful humans screamed and dove for cover, the girl reached out and caught a falling squab in her perfectly moisturised hand. Mewling with delight, she used her long rainbow painted nails to dig into the tough meat. Fire-ball roasted squab was her favourite! With a generous slather of soy sauce and virgin's blood of course, but this being downtown Liverpool she wasn't likely to find a source of either without a thorough search.

Up ahead was she saw her destination; a large cement building with a 30 foot phallus spray painted on the side complete with a spout of manly juices. She frowned. Being the piece of natural perfection she was, rude jokes did not amuse her. She had never cursed in her life. Instead she preferred to replace swear words with clever euphemisms and the occasional Medieval oath. A pink ball of magical energy collects in her palm.

Drawing her surprisingly well-muscled-but-not-ugly-or-unfeminine-arm back, the girl threw her magical ball at the side of the building. Like the rest of her, her aim was perfect. It hit the exact point at which the giant manhood ended and the spout began and traced its way along the rude graffiti, setting fire to the outline. For half a minute the city was treated to the outline of a giant burning dick against the skyline, then the glow faded and confused citizens everywhere were blinking the image out of their seared retinas.

"Simply inappropriate!" huffed the perfect girl, crossing her slender arms and kicking the curb (where her boot touched it the curb was covered with midnight blue ivy). Her golden eyelids covered her luminous red orbs, blinking too to banish the crude, rude and totally unrealistically proportioned picture out of her eyes. Then the beautiful girl entered the building.

As usual the meeting room was in chaos.  
Germany had long since given up keeping a handle on the situation. Instead, he had cracked a beer open (using Russia's creepy smile because it could cut through anything) and watched with a resigned sort of contentment as his colleagues fought amongst themselves, his boots on the table and his chair leaning far back.

Italy was making pasta in an overturned bowler hat, Romano had Spain pressed against the wall and was attempting to beat his tomato-loving brains out by bashing him into it repeatedly, Russia was happily kol kol kol-ing away and radiating an evil aura, Belarus was watching him creepily with her big grey evil orbs, Ukraine had made the mistake of sliding down too far in her chair and the crushing weight of her vast bosom had pinned her in the position, Sweden's bored stare had created a smoking hole in the wall above Greece's head, who was asleep and dreaming of beating up his number one enemy Turkey with a bat made of kittens taped together. It was a nice dream.

Oh and Hungary and Prussia (who was allowed into the meeting despite the fact that he hadn't been an official nation for over a century) were fighting with Gilbird and a frying pan and Austria was playing a little xylophone because he missed his piano, Britain had a tea cup, France looked like he was taking his pants off under the table but Germany couldn't be sure and he was not going to check, Japan was drawing a yaoi on the surface of the table, Sealand was trying to get acknowledged, America was eating a hamburger and raving about heroes and other people were doing other stuff but give the author a freaking break man she can't list everybody's bad habits and interactions.

(a/n: OMG! IM SO TOTES EXCITED 4 THS SCENE! CUZ IT'S GONNA B AWESOME WITH AN AWESOMEER THAN PRUSSIA FIGHT SCENE! THNX FOR READING! 3 3 3)

Suddenly, the door burst off its hinges hitting China in the face who sank to the floor with a surprised 'aru!~' . And then the most amazing, stunning, well-dressed, jaw-droppingly hot, sexy, red hot girl strode in on long slender legs, somehow graceful despite the fact she walked on shoes that continued for at least 10 inches after her feet ended.

Her hair cascaded over her narrow-but-strong shoulders in a waterfall of green streaked ebony, which had a blue ribbon with hearts in it her dying mother had put into her hair with her last breath. She wore bright make-up that would have been ugly on any other face excepting hers. Her lipstick was shocking orange and she had little fangs drawn in black mascara under them because perfect people don't have to worry about cross-bacterial contaminations or infections. Her eyelashes were so long they cast shadows over her cheeks and highlighted how perfect her facial structure was.

Her clothes were lacy and black and pink and red, a corset around her narrow chest and a short skirt with long bits at the side showing off her perfect legs.

"Hello everyone." her voice silenced the nations easier than Germany's had ever "My name is Charmina Magic Willow Brioche Jade Elliotina Kaleigh Raven Lee Bob Shelley Mercy Viagra Brighton Kingsley-Finch. You can call me Charm."

The table groaned under the weight of dozens of jaws thumping onto it in shock. America stood up and walked over the laps of his colleagues like a set of stairs to reach the girl. Everyone was too awe struck to care, except for Russia who death-glared him. He wasn't affected by her beauty because the beauty was crazy and so was he (because he had split personalities that made him kill people although he could see what he was doing but couldn't stop). America reached the perfect girl and took her pretty hands in his hands and looked up at her face…and up…and up…and up…he had to look up quite a ways to see her as the platform boots had put her at least a head over Russia and Sweden, who were the tallest people in the room.

Tears shone behind his Texas "I-I never really believed in God you know…but now I know. A creature like you couldn't exist unless someone holy was up there."

Charm shied away and blushed, twirling a piece of emerald and ebony hair on her delicate forefinger "Oh no, I'm not pretty. I'm a natural wonder of the world and you bitches had better fucking believe."

America's cheeks were drenched. So were his pants. He couldn't control his bodily functions anymore as all he concentration was focused on committing this face to memory.

Germany noticed he was pretty much the only one unaffected in the room –unaffected male at least. Hungary, Belgium, Seychelles, Liechtenstein, Belarus, Ukraine and even little Wy were all staring daggers at Charm. And Russia seemed fine, but Germany didn't count Russia because Russia was a sub-human, damaged Gollum-like thing.

"I don't fucking believe!" Hungary jumped up on the table, collecting her skirts so she could step over those of the nations who had swooned "In fact I disbelieve!" she hefted her frying pan, swinging it in a vicious arc of cast iron fury. She was about to bring it down on Charm's head (the reason she was on the table was for height advantage) when Prussia jumped in front of her, hip-bumping Alfred to the side who fell with a squawk.

"NEIN ELIZABETA!" he shouted powerfully, his voice so loud one of the windows shattered and rained down in pieces of unsuspecting pedestrians. The next part he had to shout even louder to be heard over screams of my "MY EYEEEEEEEEEE!"

"THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO SORT OUT YOU UNAWESOME DIFFERENCES!" blood dripped from his head where Hungry's big pan had collided with his strong German skull. "YOU SHOULD BE FRIENDS, _JA_?!"

"Agreed." England joined Prussia. He drew a long curved sword from his boot and licked the edge of the blade sexily "A gentlewoman would never- fuck's sake I cut my tongue!"

"No! No more fighting please!" Charm sang so she would be noticed, and the last word struck a note so pure it was not fit for human ears. Gilbird dropped from the air with a gentle 'plop'. "People always fight when I'm around! It's like I'm cursed or something! When I was little my parents died I a mysterious fire and I was too busy playing with matches and kerosene to say goodbye! My little sister tripped over my neko tail and fell under a bus-." here she was interrupted by wail of "MY EEEEEEEEYEEEEEE! I'LL NEVER CRY OVER ONIONS AGAAAAAAAIN!" and the shriek of distant ambulance sirens.

She continued, tears sparkling slightly in her giant orbs "Please. I can't take it anymore. Everything I touch I break."

There was a moment's silence, then Germany spoke up for the first time since she walked in "Excuse me, but what exactly is your business here?"

Charm wiped her eyes, smearing her mascara into dark trails of tears that made her look powerful "I am here to represent the nation of Camelot."

"That nation doesn't exist anymore."

Russia chipped in helpfully "And it was kingdom in the first place."

"Maple." The hushed agreement came out of nowhere and no one could tell who had said it, not that they cared much.

"OH MY GOD GUYS SHUT UP!"  
"Stop contradicting the lady you dumb potato and sunflower!"

"If she says she's from motherfucking Camelot that is from whence she hails!"

"Pasta! Angry pasta!"

"Like, oh my god guys, you made me so mad I think I might turn straight for a minute just so I have the strength to whup your silly butts!" (Poland)

"MY EEEEEYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
"SHUT UP GERMANY! ALWAYS CAUSING PROBLEMS!"  
"Kawaii desu~" added Japan who had finally looked up from his yaoi "She can stay at my house."

"No I called dibs." said America.

"I know I'm eternally neutral, but this time I'll have to say something. Ivan, Ludvig (fuck the spelling I totes hates it when my baby boy has 'wig' in his name! TT-TT) you are a disgrace!" then Switzerland/Vash pulled out his shotgun, kissed the barrel and shot everyone.

Everyone but Charm. She stood in the carnage with a gorgeous smile on her lips and laughed a Prussia style laugh "kesesesesesesesesese. I beat them!" her eyes turned black.

She was really a demon!

"Shit!" shouted Vash. He looked down at his hands and realised he was covered in crimson scarlet red blood. And jelly purple blood because Gamzee was also there, escaping through the vents but he unfortunately took a wrong turn and ended up getting shot by a crazy Swiss man, 'cuz even though he was stone-cold sober Switzerland is stronger than anyone. "What have I done?! Sam! Dean! I need your help!"

But the Winchesters wouldn't come. In a display of passive aggressive sexual tension, Castiel their trench-coated angel had stuffed all the maps down his pants and wouldn't let anyone but Dean try to get them out, but Dean didn't want to come out of the closet.

So Charm took over the world.

The end.

a/n OH MY GOD I ALMOST CRIED WHEN EVERYONE DIED AND GAMZEE WAS THERE TOO! IMA GO EAT A SAMMICH NOW, BUT I LOVE EVERYONE AND I HOPED YOU LIKED MY STUFF BECAUSE I WORKED REALLY HARD ON CHARM MY OC, WHO IS BASED ON ME! FOLLOW ME AND SHIIIT! *DERPS*

**I need a life so badly. I wrote this as a satire of everything bad and cheesy in Hetalia. I promise you, I am actually a serious writer. And I'm sorry Liverpool, I actually respect the city. Please keep in mind almost nothing I write in this fic is an accurate representation of my thoughts on the world.**


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